The subject of today's Re-Charge email was So Glad I am Here, accompanied by a moving video to the sound of "So Glad I am Here" by Elizabeth Mitchell. As I watched a "mom" walk through her life, with spilled sippy cups and unfolded laundry, I felt the immense constriction of "I am so not glad I am here" when I see those things in my own house and realized that today I had the opportunity to be glad. Two hours into the day, while two of my men were at Saturday morning swim, I walked around the house and snapped these photos. And then, instead of cleaning it up or making my bed or reading some blogs (which I am not doing for these 10 days) or searching on Craigslist, I took a shower. A really long, wonderful shower and the Legos stayed that way until 30 minutes ago.
Back to this morning. Showered, dressed and even proud that I had made the bed, I had 3 more things I wanted to do, when suddenly...
And what I realized as I quickly took the picture and then scooped him up in my arms is that the constant thought in my head about not being glad I am here is about "not being ready for you to.."
It goes something like this...
"I am not ready for you to be awake because I wanted to..."
or
"I am not ready for you to be done playing with the puzzles because I wanted to..."
or
" I am not ready for you to call me and need my attention because I wanted to..."
And in those few words and thoughts I see how I am creating in myself a dissatisfaction, impatience and irritation that manifests itself outwardly in impatience, unkind words or behavior, resentment and most importantly a sense of not being glad I am here or there or wherever I am.
And well, not being glad about where you are is cause for the worst kind of suffering there is: wanting things to be different than they are and let me tell you, I could write a book about it.
So there is my first lesson: figure how to be glad I am here and really mean it.
4 comments:
Great post - i do something similar even if i have not expressed it like that before. After so many years at home with the kids (8 1/2) I have got to a point where I have time for myself and have become a little greedy with it. My time used to be extra and now I have flipped it and feel interrupted by the kids' needs - need to flip that perspective back. Thanks
Wonderful post and what a cutie, crying and all.
Thanks so much -- this is so well said. I noticed the same thing in myself yesterday -- my agenda, my wants, me, me . .
Yes, I matter. I do. With little children, though, some flexibility in when I get to my agenda makes life sweet.
I love the picture of the baby too. I try to take some "not smiling" pics of my little ones because I want to remember them in every way -- not just the "photo ops."
Thank you, thank you.
great insights and post. I have that rushed feeling sometimes of trying to get stuff done in the spaces when my kids are occupied. And then I get mad when they finish early. My stuff is not more important than being kInd.
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