Too long of a pause.

It's been too long.

It's been too long since we had some real fun. It's been too long since I have seen some of my dearest women friends. It's been too long since I took some time for myself. It's been too long since my husband and I went out on a date. It's been too long since my last yoga class. It's been too long since I slowly enjoyed eating a meal. It's been too long since I just read a book for the hell of it. It's been too long since I had a tan or at least some color in my face. It's been too long since I slept through the night. It's been too long since my last real time alone. It's been too long without extended adult conversation. It's been too long away from this blog.

In the last 4 weeks, we thought about moving, found a place to move to, packed up our apartment in 4 days, left the city, moved to the suburbs, stopped sleeping in the living room because now we each get our own rooms, set up a house, met our new neighbors, updated our mailing address, left our friends, added a commute, tried to sell our apartment to someone we know, decided to rent our apartment instead and are now desperately looking for those perfect tenants who will stay just as long as we need them to.

We pressed fast forward, then play.

But I need a pause. A real one, an intentional one. Not the pause from writing or having fun that came along with the transition and upheaval of moving. I need a real pause, to catch my breath, be still and find my balance.

And the only way that I know how to do that, is too remove myself from the world that feels like it is going too fast. And the closest, most accessible place for me to remove myself to, is a retreat nestled deep in the Ventana Wilderness, southeast of Monterey. I am leaving the baby with my mom and my husband at home. There is a first time for everything.

This is me, pressing pause.


An expected first

I suppose this will never end - the flood of firsts that happen to first time parents. Maybe when he is 16 I will still be acknowledging them.

And now that he is nearing 14 months, the firsts just keep on coming. For this particular first, someone even invented the completely useless peepee teepee. When you have a baby boy, you always think you will inevitably get peed on. And don't get me wrong, there were many a times I had to jump out of the jet stream. But tonight, as I toweled dried his little squirmy body after an evening bath and he was gently and softly snuggling into my right side as my left arm dried him off...it happened. First it was this warm sensation that I thought was bath water that had somehow managed to defy gravity and jump out of the bathtub and onto my ribcage. But when I looked down and he looked down and we both managed to stop and and internally say "Oh", I knew that I had just officially and whole heartedly been peed on. And I mean really peed on.

But I didn't react. I didn't get mad. I didn't even laugh. I just watched as he with complete concentration tried to figure out what his little body had just done. It must have felt different from the hundreds of unconscious times it happens in his diapers because he looked like as baffled as a caveman who had seen fire for the first time. He was aware, he was present and he was totally intrigued.

For those of you who are not parents, I apologize that I have wasted the precious time you have in a day on a toddler's urination. But for me, it was simply one of the only times today when I actually paused - and completely stopped what I was doing and paid attention to what was happening in the moment. Not really sure that was what Buddha had in mind, but this is motherhood - I'll take the mindfulness practice any way that I can.


Cinco de Mayo

Somewhere, someone is drinking a margarita (or several) to celebrate today. In the city, everyone is out and about tonight. Didn't really feel like much of a special day over here on this side of the bridge. I made quesadillas and guacamole and drank half a beer and dreamed of a vacation in Mexico.

Happy Cinco de Mayo


The sound of Om

This is what it looks like. And if you have ever attended a yoga class, you know what it sounds like. But have you ever really tried it - like when you are stuck in traffic and your head is about to explode because your poor baby is totally over being in his car seat and being schlepped around from one errand to another and all he wants is your cell phone but if you give it to him it might end up tucked between his car seat and the side door and you are expecting a phone call from a mortgage broker who might be able to help you figure out if you should be renting out your apartment or putting it on the market.

Yes, that is the moment to om. A few times. Long and slow.

And I did.

And everything changes and within 2 minutes the nugget had fallen fast asleep.