An unexpected leap

I thought the wonder weeks had stopped. For some reason, when he turned one, I naively thought the developmental leaps would some how be less severe, at least until we hit the "terrible twos". How wrong was I.

I am tired, again. And I am impatient and easy irritable. And instead of realizing that we might be in one of those "wonder weeks" as the book by the same name so nicely explains, I lament and roll my eyes and snap at the two men I live with, constantly. One is an adult and sort of just takes it, the other is under 2 feet tall and just looks up at me with big round blue eyes, in utter confusion.

I am back to getting nothing done, back to hearing the high-pitched dolphin squeaks any time he is not sleeping and back to feeling utterly doubtful about my parenting skills. None of my old solutions work, he seems devastatingly unsatisfied all the time and everything is taking 4x as long as it used to. And the only thing that I can do, is really GET that everything changes all the time - and the nugget is here to make sure that I remember that. And if I have to stop what I am doing and show him how the dishwasher works and let him touch all the knobs, than that is what I have to do. But my lord that is frustrating.

I think the hardest part about the self-reflection that comes out of parenting is that I am realizing that I am not that patient of a person, that I am easily bored with monotonous details and tasks and how easily I can feel resentment - when I am not able to do something for me. Not for the house, not for my marriage, not for the baby - but for me. And all of that is fueling an internal rage that I don't know how to deal with.

And then last night, when we got home from Monday night meditation at Spirit Rock, I let myself read a few blogs and there it was: the gem of wisdom that perhaps I was seeking at tonight's sitting but did not find. It's from Stacy at Mama-Om. I read each word. And at the end I realized why....because she asked herself the same question that I need to be asking myself now:

What would it be like to have an open heart right now?

And right at that moment, I could feel a crack in the armor around my heart. Clearly, the nugget, my marriage and I need this question. Everyday, every moment, until this wonder week subsides. And then maybe for the next 35 years as well.

For more on the book The Wonder Weeks
click here


Julie said...

Yes, that post from Stacy at Mama-Om really struck me as well. I thought about it a lot for days. But then life intervened and I forgot about it. And I really need it all the time with my 4.5 year old who is "pressing all my buttons" big time :-) So I've written it down now.

Thanks for your blog. I really enjoy reading it. By the way, my 21 month old started childcare around the same time as yours. It was so hard! But he has accepted it really well and I have a morning a week to study while older brother is at kindy.

cheers, Julie

alex t said...

Hi Julie Thanks for leaving a comment! It is always so comforting to know that I am not alone. Funny that we have to remind ourselves of that over, and over!