There are about a million other things that I would rather do than sit here and figure out how I am supposed to feed my family healthy meals. The issue is that I don't like to cook, and no matter what I do to try and convince myself that it brings me joy, it doesn't. It never has.
And besides it not bringing me joy, my feelings about it are complicated because:
1. I grew up in a family with a dad who loved to cook. Its what he did and that's what I saw. Learning about food as nourishment and enjoyment came from my dad, not my mom.
2. I married a man who doesn't like to cook, at all. He makes a mean set of German pfannekuchen on Sunday mornings and his grilled ribs (as per his mom's recipe) are out of this world, but that happens almost never.
3. I am a mom who is at home, raising a toddler. At some point "stay-at-homeness" meant being responsible for food shopping and cooking. Makes sense, I suppose. And I suppose it could be redefined, but in our case, it simply comes with the job description.
4. I have a Masters Degree in Holistic Health Education. I know about Ayurveda and Celiac Disease and wheat allergies and the healing properties of food and food as medicine and sustainability and GMO's and so on. So I can't just buy Kraft MacNCheese in a box and feel good about it.
3. Cooking doesn't come naturally, so I don't feel confident and I get easily frustrated. And I am a perfectionist and if I can't do it perfectly the first time, I don't want to do it at all. I know, place for growth - only that its been a year+ of personal growth and it would be really grand to do something that comes easily to me and makes me feel outrageously successful.
4. Cooking is work for me, every time. And duty. And that makes it something I have to do instead of get to do. And that is never very inspiring.
5. I would rather be on kitchen clean-up duty, anyday. At least there the results of my work last longer than 20 minutes.
So there they are - the 5 big fat reasons why I feel overwhelmed and stuck when I stand in my kitchen. And the biggest irony of all, is that I love food. Good food. And I know what tastes good and what doesn't. But I don't know how to get from lady fingers and mascarpone to Tiramisu because I don't want to know - I want someone to make it for me.
However, there is no someone else, there is just me. In an effort to figure this out and feed myself and my family in a way that supports energy and vitality, instead of reading some blogs or a book on this damp and dreary Sunday morning, I have surrounded myself with a few cookbooks, a pen and paper and several weekly meal planner options from a quick google search. I am hoping with a bit of mental force, I will get through what feels like drudgery now.
My problem is not lack of tools or resources - I live in the middle of one of the most food conscious places in the world and have every possible organic everything at my fingertips. But I am missing the will. And if there is anything that is stopping me from feeding my family well, its that.