The calm after the storm

It's been exactly a week since we moved out of the city. And I am tired. Everyone keeps asking me, "So how is it?" and I can't really answer because I have been swallowed up whole with boxes and unpacking and re-organizing and figuring out where it is all supposed to go.

In less than 3 weeks who have gone from owners to renters, city dwellers to semi-suburbanites, one bedroom to four, and sleeping in the living room to having our own room. So, its been quite the change or maybe I should say it still is quite the change.

In one day, we moved a heck of a lot of stuff for two people who think they live with very little. And for 2 days, it was utter chaos. But that chaos was okay. Its this drawn out scatteredness and mess that is undoing me.

I find myself frantically wanting to make order and have everything sorted out yesterday. I have moved many times in my life and I was always the person to stay up and just get it all done - so that within 2-3 days of moving everything was in its place. I was content and life could just keep going. But I have never moved as a wife and as a mother and that old habit just doesn't work anymore - and my inability to be overly capable and organized is causing me more trouble and grief, every minute that things aren't the way I want them to be.

So I am struggling to keep it together and can see how my tendency towards being a bit compulsive about my living spaces (to put it gently) is causing this change and transition to be even more stressful than it already is or has to be. Being aware of how I am feeling and what my tendency is a great step in the right direction, but oooh, this is just tough. I just want a day - one full day without a baby and maybe even without a husband and without any other duties but to get things in order, my way.

And what's tougher is that my husband generously invited our first "guests" over tomorrow and though I want to be the totally cool and laid back wife who can accept everything just the way it is and be extremely pleased that the house already looks the way it does only after 7 days, I am not. I don't feel proud yet and I don't feel guest ready and I certainly don't feel like a hostess.

But instead of being upset, I will make this a lesson in non-attachment. A lesson, to in fact, accept everything exactly as it is. And what is is this:

1. We moved 7 days ago
2. We have a 13 month old baby who is curious, clever, fast and gets into everything making everything I do take 5x longer
3. 90% of the boxes we packed are empty
4. The house looks fine, just the way it is

So instead of spending the remaining waking hours tonight on cleaning something else up or re-hanging the curtain rods, I am going to keep browsing through my favorite blogs for the posts that I missed in the last two weeks and focus on breathing, accepting, smiling and being okay with things exactly as they are.

1 comment:

wakako said...

oh how much i know how you feel... For me, my turning point came when i told myself "okay... i got to stop here. i have done everything (sort of) to organize the house without buying more cabinets and shelves..." At least until we have enough time and money to buy a new book shelf, storage cabinets for the office and new doors... etc. etc. also house as a shell has a life on its own. it's kind of nice to organically let the house the way it want to be with the dynamic of the family.

good luck with the first guest. I have a good feeling that your house already looks pretty lovely as it is:)