Seeking validation

Are you good at making decisions or bad at making decisions?

I used to be good. In fact I felt like it was one of my strengths. Whether it came from some sort of inner clarity or ability to prioritize, I often felt like I was pretty good at reaching a decision and then accepting whatever the outcome was. I didn't over think but I also didn't act carelessly. And I have no regrets.

But it has gotten harder for me. Maybe the stakes have gotten higher. Maybe the cost has gotten higher. Maybe the anxiety to get it right has gotten higher. I don't really know.

So what do I do - I ask for advice. I seek validation. From everybody. Yesterday I felt like I wanted to ask the woman making my chai how she felt about track lighting. I mean seriously.

What is happening right now with this project haus is that the sheer quantity of decisions needed has sky-rocketed into the thousands. And all are connected and all cost money and all have ramifications for the future. And many don't lead to immediate satisfaction because in making one decision you create ten new decisions that need to be addressed. And there are two of us who have equal say.

And yes, these are cosmically unimportant decisions. The are humanitarily (which isn't even a word but it should be) unimportant decisions. The location of the shower head in bath #3 is universally not important. But if the decision is not thought out, it will affect someone's shower experience potentially everyday. Again, not hugely important but important. And holding that can take over your brain and your heart and your whole body. No wonder people saying remodeling/building a house is so taxing on a relationship.

But we had said we wanted to do it differently. We had said we would not let this house cause a divide or extra pain - because it is just a house. It is just a house. It is just a house. Please forgive the repetition, I needed to write that for me just now. It is just a house.

It is just a house.