Tired, again

I know, old story. I'm tired, you're tired, everyone is tired. So why the hell write about it again.

Because, it's the tired of motherhood. The tired that is different from the tired of corporate work or restaurant work or hospital work or entrepreneurial work. The tired that creeps into your veins from the endless yowling to do the exact opposite thing you want to be doing. The tired that seeps into your brain after tirelessly (no pun intended) repeating every request, desire, command and demand over and over and over again to a non-rational, big blue eyed little human. The tired that hits you right smack dab in the middle of the forehead while you are reading Goodnight Gorilla and makes you realize that all those things you were hoping to get done as soon as he fell asleep, would like yesterday, and probably tomorrow, stay not done.

But today, it's the tired that you get from tossing and turning restlessly until 1:30am, agitated by the tumultuous storm that reeked havoc on the neighborhood streets and it's partner in crime, the tornado that reeked havoc in my head. That tired, plus toddler tired, just kicked my ass.

Mostly, I don't want to accept that 24 pounds of toddler can take me out the way that they do. But they do, like no other work i have ever done in my entire life.

I don't want him to be any different than he is: no less inquisitive, no less clever, no less determined, no less certain, no less compassionate, no less loving, no less resolute, no less giddy about cho chos.

So, I am just going to let myself be tired. And go to bed at 8:25. And figure out a way to be less tired and more there, when it all starts again tomorrow.

1 comment:

jen said...

what more is there to say...just a resounding 'yes'...i've run out of ways of trying to describe this state of being myself. one thing that helps me pull through, is remembering that toddlerhood...in all its intensity on both the good and bad scale...is such a small 'blip on the screen' of our children's lives. knowing this doesn't do anything to reinvigorate the numbness of mind or body, of course, but it does lift the spirits a bit. anyway, i'm with you, sister...may you find ease (if not rest!).