Don't need me

Just for five minutes, don't need me.

Just for a day, don't need me.

That is how I feel right now.

It's Tuesday, not Monday. And since yesterday I have been rehearsing and pre-writing a post that I had wanted to write yesterday. It was about being that mom - that mom who gives her toddler that sweet-sticky-fruit-roll-up-type-thing so she can get through grocery shopping at Trader Joes, that mom who schlepps her toddler through IKEA and then gets annoyed when he runs out of patience and wants out of the stroller and then bribes him with episodes of Thomas on her iPhone, that mom who promised to go to the playground after IKEA and then drove right past because it was just too cold and she was just too tired.

But today I am over feeling bad about being that mom because we are all that mom all the time and the only thing the judgment of ourselves and each other is doing is making us miserable, depressed and alienated from one another. I realized today, that there is no "that mom", just mom and the sooner I really let that sink in, like really sink way deep down to that dark judgmental festering cavity inside, the more pleasant, rewarding and satisfying this whole mothering experiment will be. For everyone.

No today, I am okay with being that mom. I may even have embraced it. Instead, I just want to be that mom who isn't needed. Just for about 5 minutes. Oh, and the wife and daughter who isn't needed either.

After chaos and socializing and house guests and dinner parties and even a trip to the supermarket, I need quiet and solitude and downtime. In fact, I like being alone. I always have. I like food shopping alone and going to the flea market alone. I like eating alone and going to the movies alone. And these days, I am rarely alone.

"Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama." I love the sound of it. 98% of the time. He started last week to actually come and find me, wrap his arm around my knee and start to tug - with longing eyes motioning in the direction in which he wanted me to come, as if to say "I neeeeeeed you to watch me play with my train set." As I said, I am rarely alone.

We do quiet time and book reading time and time where we do separate activities, but we are still in the same room. My need for solitude is next to impossible to explain to a toddler so I don't try. Most grown-ups don't necessarily understand it either. Husbands included.

But tonight, after the nugget was put to bed, I did something differently. I made a statement. It went something like this, "I want to take my computer, get into bed, write a blog entry and then write a journal entry and then be asleep by 10pm, maybe earlier."

That was me, needing me. And you know what, it feels fantastic.

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