Summer hiatus

I am going on a summer hiatus.

To re-group, re-prioritize and re-think, about what I want, what I want to do and how I want to spend my time.

See you sometime soon...


Image: Source unknown

5 years ago, today

2 1/2 days, 75 guests, 2 outdoor showers, one pair of vintage red cowboy boots, a groom's missing pants, a recycled wedding dress and the most generous circle of friends...

Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

Months after our wedding weekend, I realized that the three days of celebration that became our wedding were actually a snapshot of how we aspire to live, everyday:

Consciously
Aware of our environmental, retail, food and health choices.

Communally
In close relationship to family + friends, working collaboratively and in alignment with the individual talents and gifts we all posses.

Simply
In thought, in communication, in relationship, in lifestyle and in relationship to nature.

It was easy to live this way at Wilbur but only possible because our friends and family went above and beyond to help execute our vision. I don't actually think we can say thank you enough for the labors of love that we witnessed.

Wilbur Hot Springs is one of the places that you find, that you hold dear to your heart and keep as a place to return to, over and over. It is a place in which I remember spending three days with the people that I like most in the whole entire world, saying "yes" to the man who still manages to make me laugh like no other, wearing my red cowboy boots and being utterly and totally myself.

It was a perfectly, imperfect wedding. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

You can see our friend Kurt's wonderful photos of the weekend here

You read more about our wedding at Wilbur here.

Re-prioritizing

Image found here

I sent an email to my friend Kendra last week.

I got an auto-response that said this:

Thank you for your email!

Please be aware that, in order to prioritize being Trent's mama, I only check email sporadically.

If you need a quicker response, please call me.

Thank You!
Kendra

Brilliant, I thought, just brilliant.

Since returning from 5 days in silence and a rejuvenating vacation in the sun, I have been acutely aware of the distraction of email and information overload, which is not helped by the sassy little device know as the iPhone. Always on, always available, always telling me how many emails are waiting to be read.

So, I am re-prioritizing.

I just don't know exactly what that means yet.

Not your everyday Mother's Day gift

I am not a big jewelry person.

I am not a big red rose and chocolate person.

But I never would have guessed that I was an electrical gardening tool person.

Yes, my Mother's Day gift, that I picked out myself, was a Black and Decker Electric Trimmer.

And I love it.

And I know I love it because today, for 2 hours I was all by myself, in the garden, with my trimmer.

As I was thinking about this post and the justifications I was going to come up with for "working" instead of relaxing and getting pampered on Mother's Day, I realized that I felt I had to explain my desire for such a strange and unsexy gift and more so explain why I felt the need to actually use it today. But instead of explaining to you that alone time is always at the top of my wish list and that working with my hands brings me more joy than any packaged gift ever could, I would rather say, that if you are a mom, I hope you spent the day exactly the way you wanted to.

The Royal Wedding

There is something I have to admit - I am smitten with royal weddings. Have been since I watched Diana and Charles wed, with my grand-ma and amidst not that many good memories with her, this one stands out as extremely important and precious and close to my heart.

If I weren't drinking a margarita on the beach in Mexico today, I'd be watching it. Somewhere.

I am already looking forward to watching the "best of" when I get home.


{Design by Kate Forrester, found via Wide Open Spaces}

Taking a real pause

I am about to leave the house for 5 nights, to go and sit in quiet reflection.

I will miss a birthday and a trip to Tahoe and probably a handful of new words and more small moments than I care to admit.

But, I think what I am about to do is the biggest gift that I can give to all those I love the very most.

My Father's Daughter

As most of you already know, I think Gwyneth Paltrow is fantastic.

And of course, when I got my Goop email this week, I had to smile that she has put her love for cooking and her dad, onto the page in My Father's Daughter

The old me would run out and by this right away.

The new me is going to add it to my wish list, perhaps peruse it next time I am in a bookstore and truthfully accept that my cookbooks actually just sit on the shelf and collect dust.

Until, they don't, I will admire this from afar.

Just keep showing up

That is always the hardest part, right? To keep showing up. To sit down and write something when all you would rather just do is take a nap.

Whenever I mention to other moms that I write a blog, they often respond with, "How on earth do you find the time to do that?" And sometimes, I have no idea how I find the time. And mostly, I often don't because it means that there is something else that I am choosing not to do instead. But I keep showing up, as best I can.

I have mentioned before that Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love had a transformation affect on my life, so you can imagine my excitement when I found her speech on TED. {If it makes you feel any better about how I find the time to write, this post has been sitting in my drafts folder since September, just waiting for me.} Regardless, her speech is inspiring and smart. She makes a distinction between being a genius and having a genius that I found extremely helpful in deciphering what it means to have a gift for something, what that gift is and how to be the conduit for sharing it with others.

Whether you like her as a writer or not, listen to what she has to say. She may just inspire you to show up for whatever you are waiting to show up for.

10:1:10 Plan

Have you heard of this?

My friend Anna, whose new blog Eleven Twenty Nine is already on my favorites list, mentioned this a few weeks ago.

She writes...

"In a rut? Make a list of 3 things that you aspire to do every day to keep you going. The 10:1:10 plan refers to 10 minutes of meditation, writing 1 page and reading 10 pages. I’ve implemented this in a slightly different way. I guess mine is the 1:10:1 plan: 1 hour of exercise, 10 minutes of meditation and 1 blog post. I already feel more directed, creative and accountable."

I just sat down and my list is:
meditation
writing
exercise
gardening

I know, it is 4 not 3 but I had to start somewhere. I included gardening because I have accepted that cooking is not calming or mindful for me and I already have a good practice of writing when I need it. So, I added gardening.

In this little rented house that we're in, we are surrounded by a garden that used to be taken care of. Though I can't possibly take care of all of it, I am curious about tending to a patch of it and learning what it means to actually watch something grow. And, it means being outside and in the sun.

My plan is this:
10 minutes meditation : 1 hour exercise : 10 minutes gardening

Now, how to set it into motion.

You can read the rest of Anna's post here

Image found here

Closed on Sunday

I went for a walk this morning, all by myself and as I meandered through the still undiscovered streets of our semi-new neighborhood, I was struck with the ordinariness of Sunday morning. I saw kids playing in yards, men tinkering in garages, a yard-sale here and there. I was struck at home normal this all seemed, amidst all the striving and doing and planning that seems to occupy my mind the rest of the time.

And when I arrived at the border between residential and commercial I realized that everything was closed. Not just closed in the morning, but closed on Sunday.

Closed on Sunday.

Closed on Sunday.

I don't know why I am so struck by this - I have often recollected my summer's with my grand-ma in Germany where closed on Sunday and by 1pm on Saturday and 6pm on the weekdays was totally normal. But somehow here, where everything seems accessible all the time, I find it harder to put the doing aside and reserve time for reflection.

Being self-employed and being married to someone who is self-employed also makes the border between off-work and there is always more you could do very blurry. I think that is why it is so important to set clear distinctions and priorities. We do not go to church on Sundays though we have adapted a Sunday evening community meditation ritual that one of us usually gets to go to. I suppose that is part of creating a day of contemplation, rest and non-doing. But I wonder what else I could do to save this one day a week for activities that are only nourishing, rejuvenating and restful.

I will start with Sunday as an email, computer based project and laundry free day. Next week.

Is there anything you would like to do to start Closed on Sunday at your house?

Q1 recap

It's the end of Q1. That means something in the business world and since I am dipping my toes into that world 15 hours a week it seems only relevant that I do my own Q1 recap.

And really, I need to celebrate because I just crossed off 23, 29, 44, 60, 76 and 98! And that is without really paying attention. I am smiling from ear to ear!

TOP 100 LIST

1. Speak Spanish, fluently and completely

2. Write in German as well as I speak

3. Finish a Masters Degree

4. Read a whole German novel

5. Travel to Africa

6. Travel to Croatia

7. Give birth at home

8. Travel to Galapagos

9. Work for Anthropologie 

10. Do work that makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning

11. Wear my old jeans again

12. Have really toned arms

13. Ride the Siberian Express from Moscow to China

14. Live in a house with a wraparound porch

15. Live in Europe

16. Attend a live taping of the Oprah show

17. Design one picture book per country from our 10 month trip

18. Dance the Lindy Hop, well

19. Own 2 pigmy goats

20. Earn my worth

21. Return to Hoi An (Vietnam) and have a whole new wardrobe made

22. Learn to play tennis, again

23. Attend Karen Mazen Miller’s Mother’s Plunge

24. Transform my relationship with money {working on it}

25. Learn to swim freestyle, properly

26. Take a furniture re-upholstery class

27. Have my teeth whitened

28. Own my own business

29. Open an Etsy store

30. Go to NYC with my husband for a long weekend

31. Go to the Flea Market every month without limitation

32. Cook a Thanksgiving turkey

33. Start a blog

34. Walk the Inca Trail to Machu Pichu

35. Travel to Buenos Aires, Argentina

36. Bake a Red Velvet Cake

37. Travel for an extended amount of time, again, kid(s) included

38. Have a website about my work that I love

39. Work for Anthropologie

40. Be published in a magazine

41. Learn to scuba dive

42. Ask for what I need {working on it}

43. Live in New York City

44. Own a bicycle I love

45. Attend a 10 Day Silent Retreat

46. Finish the things that I start {working on this too!}

47. For 30 days in a row, sit in meditation for 30 minutes a day

48. Attend Oktoberfest 

49. Own a vintage Airstream

50. Travel across the US with my family in an RV

51. Write a book

52. Be written about in 5 blogs

53. Live in Ubud, Bali for an extended amount of time

54. See Madonna Live in concert

55. Read Anna Karenina

56. Live in Germany

57. Find a country bar and learn to line dance

58. Love my body, just the way it is

59. Travel the North and South Island of New Zealand in a camper

60. Master Quicken and file our taxes in January (in progress)

61. Rent a villa in Italy with our families, for vacation

62. Continue the work my dad did on our family genealogy

63. Have a book published

64. Travel to Cyprus, with my husband and his parents

65. Convert all of my photos to digital and organize

66. Go on a weeklong yoga retreat in Mexico, by myself

67. Return to Koh Toa, Thailand

68. Take my mom and mother-in-law to Bali

69. Do another 10 day silent retreat

70. Own a record player

71. Visit Alaska

72. Eat well {working on it}

73. Own a pair of Ray Ban Aviators

74. Camp at Havasu Falls in the Grand Canyon

75. Sail in the Mediterranean, on a catamaran

76. Be on TV

77. Go to ClubMed and indulge in the all-inclusiveness of it all

78. Plant a garden and tend to it

79. Stop grinding my teeth

80. Have an amazing craft room

81. Fly first class, on purpose this time

82. Roast a chicken

83. Have a second baby

84. Wear my mom’s wedding dress

85. Make a Halloween costume, from scratch

86. Travel the ancient path of the Samurai, with my husband

87. Pay off my student loans by age 40

88. Learn and appreciate the act of financial investing

89. Host an HGTV show

90. Visit Vancouver and Tofino

91. Learn to use my sewing machine

92. Attend a writing retreat

93. Find a movement practice that I can stick with

94. Visit New Orleans

95. Sell my Puppet Theatres at Renegade in 2011

96. Learn to cook and like it {working on it}

97. Open my heart, a little bit more {working on it}

98. Go Apple, all the way

99. Bake Christmas cookies, from scratch, just once

And 100 – Be present enough to really soak in every moment of the last 99

How are your resolutions going?

A day without shoes

Of course, no shoes, for one day. No problem.

I would probably be most happy living in a place where shoes were optional or at most not needed for most of the day. But as I started to think about being in the world, in my world, and navigating life without shoes, I started to think about walking into the grocery store without shoes. And immediately my thoughts went to "what would people think".

So my initial no problem to TOM's Day without Shoes today became less affirmative, as I cautiously looked over my day and realized I could plan it to make not wearing shoes for a day even possible.
I realize though, that that is not the point.

Realizing that I am less courageous than I thought I was is humbling.

If you are courageous and willing, and you are not reading this at the end of the day or the day after, take off your shoes.

Follow the bold link at the end to support TOM's in other ways or to learn more about TOM's One Day Without Shoes

Changing plans

I had yesterday morning planned out for the last 4 weeks.

Wake up at 6:30.

Leave the house at 7:30.

Arrive at Alameda Flea Market by 8:15.
Stay there for as long as I want.

But on Saturday night, I changed my plans. I decided not to use my toddler free time to go to the flea market but to go to a yoga class instead. A yoga class that would hopefully be the "ice breaker" to a new path of taking better care of my body. And though I was a bit terrified and almost talked myself out of it, I made it through all 90 hot minutes.

And today, though I am a bit nostalgic for what I think I missed and a bit envious of the delightful finds that went home with my friend Anna, I know that I made the right and good decision. And knowing that, makes taking care of myself just a little bit easier.

And, that makes the 1st Sunday of May that much more exciting.

{Image found at Bikram Yoga Silverlake}

Walking home

And just like that, Spring appeared.

As nature would have it, there will be more rain ahead of us. Of that I am sure. But today, the sun, in all her healing power is out and people are smiling and walking their dogs and wearing sandals.

And I noticed all of this because I walked home this morning after dropping our nugget off at daycare. After being cooped up and feeling miserable with a double sided ear infection (me, not him), my body was ready for the movement and the fresh air. What I wasn't expecting was the appearance of spring around ever corner. Trees are bursting at the tips with new life, blossoms are slowly poking their heads out of the earth. And, right there, on the corner of our yard, a small batch of freesia has appeared out of nowhere.

And because I always drive, I have missed it.

So this weekend, change it up, walk home. You might see something you have been missing.

An unplanned artist date

Do you know the concept of artist dates?

It's simple:

An Artist Date is a once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore something that interests you. The Artist Date need not be overtly "artistic"-- think mischief more than mastery. (via The Artists Way)

I first learned about artists dates and morning pages when I devoured a copy of Julia Cameron's The Artists Way, almost 10 years ago. It came to me like so many things have come to me in my life: at the time, when I needed it the most.

I diligently followed the exercizes and even stuck with the ritual of daily morning pages - all in an attempt to find clarity and my creativity.

I was mostly transformed by the concept of the artist date because it gave a name to something that I craved, but rarely did. I need solitude, a lot of it. And I need quiet and I need time for reflection. And I need opportunities to watch and observe and be inspired. And I need beautiful things. Or at least time to look at beautiful things.

It was easy to incorporate artist dates into my single life in San Francisco. I only needed to walk down Valencia Street between 16th and 17th Streets, for example. As a wife, it became harder for me to take this time, though as I realized how truly essential it is to my state of being, I found it easier to take the time I needed. Now as a mom, well, do I really have to say it?

It's impossible. Ok, it's impossible for me. 

It's impossible for me because it means asking for a babysitter for something that is not "practical".

It's impossible for me because it means asking for something for me, just me and nobody else.

It's impossible for me because it means asking for time by myself that does not include physical exercise, showering, sleeping, grocery shopping, meditation, tax paying, bill paying or a social get together with the lovely women in my life. I have internally put a value judgement on my need for artist dates, have assumed others do the same and as you can see, they get valued less than paying bills. How twisted and not funny is that?

But there is something brewing in the air - a re-aligning with what makes me me. A learning process that involves me asking for what I need. I am not sure what path it is going to take, but it feels good.

So on Monday, when I happened to have 20 unexpected, child and husband free minutes in San Francisco, instead of sitting in the car and checking emails or heading home and stopping at Whole Foods, I parked, fed the meter and without a care wandered into Past Perfect, a consignment furniture store in the Marina.

And here is what caught my fancy...

I am dreaming of a work space of my own. Digging this chair. I am envisioning it painted white with a new pillow, in orange wool pillow or something like that.

Old lobster cage - add a piece of glass and you have one cool coffee table. I sort of like the ceramic ram piece too - don't ask me what I would do with it.

Just really like this yellow cabinet - not really sure what I would use it for.

It's hard not to have toys on the brain, or at least toy storage. Thought these old metal baskets would look really great in the living room.

And old school desk - a perfect craft table for a toddler! Or 2 vintage toddler chairs could do the trick too.

Now, 2 days later, I am still thinking of the wicker chair. I was "good" and brought no new project home with me because I have plenty of half-started creative endeavors waiting for my attention. So, I will lock it away in my memory bank. More importantly though, 2 days later, I am feeling the affect of choosing to do something impractical and not feel guilty about it at all. I might have to do it again, sometime soon.

Letting go

All of my life, I have been hearing "You just have to let it go." If it were only that easy.

I think this is what "letting go" looks like.

But what letting go is, I still don't know.

I found this poem in a folder that was labeled "personal" amongst my dad's things. I was 19 when he died, so I just kept the folder, figuring maybe something would become relevant at some point.
I think this came from his time in AA, but I can't be sure.

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring,

it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to get yourself off,

it is the realization that I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another;

I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for,

but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,

but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not be in the middle of arranging outcomes,

but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective;

it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,

but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,

but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

___________________________________________

This right here - this is my work.

SOS Japan

It took me almost a week to actually look at news footage from Japan. My husband fed me updates as I meagerly tried to keep moving, in a straight line, through the mundane tasks of emptying the dishwasher, bathing a toddler and filling up a shopping cart. I kept at it, one foot in front of the other, over and over again, all the while thinking that these things we do with such regularity and most times ambivalence, are so quickly taken away.

As the coverage withered a bit and other world news wiggled its way to the headlines, I did my own browsing, watching in utter disbelief as mass amounts of water suffocated a city. The stream of tears and sorrow and fear and helplessness came over the next day and then it wouldn't let go.

I have been to Japan, I have friends in Japan, we live in California, we are citizens of this world - none of these characteristics make my sorrow any more special. In fact, I would say that my sorrow is far from special. In fact, it shouldn't even be attended too, for my sorrow comes at such a distance - a distance from the devastation, the loss, the death, the brokenness, the continued uncertainty of what is still to come. But mostly, my sorrow is saturated with helplessness - that gut wrenching feeling of not knowing what to do or who to help.

I retreated into the world of the blogs I like the most and found one fundraiser after another. I commend their efforts and everyone has to find their path out of the stifling feeling of helplessness, but more me, buying a poster or a t-shirt was not it.

Instead, I found a project, created by my writing friend, Wakako, the creative force behind baum-kuchen. She has gathered and translated SOS messages and comments coming from Japan, that were posted in various places around the web.

It is hard to read because it makes it personal. But that is exactly what I needed.

Please visit SOS Japan

Do you ever come across something that just sort of takes your breath away?

In our world of ever increasing technology and mass produced, disposable stuff, it is often difficult to see past the ordinaryness of it all and dive straight into the mastery and divine creativity of something made entirely by hand.  But then something crosses your path.

That something was these Moses Baskets by Caderno Branco.

I first saw them featured on Bloesem Kids in April of last year and with longing heard myself say, "If we have another baby, this is the only thing that I will want". And then, I let it pass.

And so almost a year has passed and I still occasionally think about these stunning creations. Today, as the rain continues to drench the earth and keep us inside, I allowed myself to browse through their shop and engulf myself in every last image.

Yes, if we have another baby, this is the only thing that I will want.

By the way, the 2nd image is actually a doll basket - and if you have a little girl, you might just want to take a look at the rest of the collection. Click here

10 Steps to Being Well

1. Fire up your metalbolism and stabilize blood sugar for a clear mind: EAT BREAKFAST.

2. Release endorphins through exercise, ask where and how your body wants to move.

3. Nourish yourself; eat slowly and enjoy each meal.

4. Be kind to your kidneys and stomach; drink water moderately and without ice.

5. Follow natural bio-rhythms; recognize when you need to rest and take time to do it.

6. Curb sugar cravings; eat more protein and fat and drink less caffeine.

7. Get Vitamin D and perspective; go outside for fresh air.

8. Practice self-massage; the abdomen for digestive health, breasts or prostrate for tissue health.

9. Love your adrenals; do less, stop rushing and savor life.

10. Rejuvenate with plenty of sleep; get enough to feel awake without coffee.

Borrowed from the desk of acupuncturists Andrea Anderson {website} and Brooke Moen {website}


This little postcard with these little suggestions have been in my "to-do" binder for too long to mention. I kept it because I liked how succinct and clear these ten items are. Nothing new - eat breakfast, drink water, move your body, sleep. So why is it so hard?

I can use the excuse of being a mom, but when I really look at it, that is just another excuse or reason for not taking care of myself. Yes, I have found it harder to do most of these things as I navigate making sure that someone else does most of these things, but I wasn't totally good at doing them for myself before the nugget came along, to be totally honest. I ask for water without ice, feel better when I get outside and hike up the hill and do fairly well without caffeine. As for the rest, well, not so good. But I know better. And I know how I feel when I actually do them.

So what is the problem?

Habits and discipline.

And both take work and determination and effort and awareness and dedication. And 21 days.

Did you know that? That it takes 21 days to form a habit.

I didn't. So when I found out about habitforge a few weeks ago, I was sure this would be the ticket to consistent exercise, meditation and mindful eating. So I signed up, entered "20 min of pilates everyday" as my goal and off I went.

And I didn't even do it 2 days in a row.

What I realized is that I started too big with too much change when what I needed to do was start with changing a habit I could succeed at - that required no babysitter or yoga pants or gym membership or time. And I know, 20 min of pilates a day doesn't sound like too big, but it was. I am working on figuring out why.

In the mean time, I simplified. The new goal is "take vitamins with a large glass of water, everyday, at breakfast". I figure, there is no way to talk my way out of this one...

Today is day 1.

I found this rustic rabbit coin bank here, on etsy. I was looking for some vintage bunny bank as my image for today's post and I found this. I am not even sure if it is cute. But something about it is exactly why it's here.

It's here because it's simple and hand-made and practical and those are the exact words that could describe our financial plan.

At some point, I was elected CFO of this corporation of 3. Maybe it was because I had the most to learn about money, in both spending and saving it, or maybe it was because I had the most to heal around money. I have fought and cried my way through Quicken and tax preparation, I have ground my teeth through retirement planning and self-employed IRA's and I triumphed over private mortgage insurance, reappraisals and loan repayment. And so when I read a short essay about money and finances in the year of the Rabbit in early January, I paid attention. I paid attention because I finally feel like I am orchestrating our financial life instead of being orchestrated by it.

Katy Song is a CFP who works for Vita Vie Financial Planning, a resource for new families. She writes a column in the newsletter that I receive and to be honest, its the only feature that I really read. This one, titled "Three Cheers for the Year of the Rabbit" stayed with me, and here is why:

Chinese Rabbit wisdom: Money can be made without too much labor. Life should be leisurely as we allow ourselves the luxuries which we have been craving.

Katy's suggestion: Pick the one thing that means the most to you and is financially feasible and commit to doing it in 2011.

Chinese Rabbit wisdom: However, do not become too indulgent. The influence of the Rabbit tends to spoil those who like too much comfort, and thus impair their effectiveness and sense of duty.

Katy's suggestion: Look at your list of wants to to-do's for 2011 - if you try to do everything on your list, you may end up lessening the value of each individual item.

Chinese Rabbit wisdom: Use diplomacy to get what you want, not force. By using persuasion, acting with discretion and making reasonable concessions, you will get your desired outcome without too much difficulty.

Katy's suggestion: Are you thinking of buying a new home or asking for a raise? Use reason and persuasion instead of issuing ultimatums to get what you want.

Chinese Rabbit wisdom: Law and order will be lax. No one seems very inclined to bother with these unpleasant realities.

Katy's suggestion: Do not let the calmness of the Rabbit cause another year to go by. Look at your Financial To Do list and commit to tackling the goals that have been there for years.

So, take a deep breath and then exhale. Exhale all the stuff that doesn't feel important and start to think about that which is important but has been too scary or overwhelming to tackle. Because there is room to sort it all out, one hand-made piggy or rabbit bank at a time.